"Half-Offed", Way to Die #745, is the first death to be featured in "Death Be a Lady Tonight", which aired on July 25, 2011.
Plot[]
Ted was an unpleasant jerk who enjoyed making people feel bad. One day he was on the phone with someone complaining that he didn't have the hotel employees wake him up. Ted needed to get a taxi to get to the airport so he stole it from a woman. The bellman tried to stop Ted with kindness but Ted refused to return the taxi but what Ted did not see while he was arguing was that a truck with a tow line passed by, the hook went into the trunk of the taxi and at that moment Ted closed the trunk, the rope tightened above his waist, piercing his vertebral body at the lumbar spine and cutting Ted in half, killing him and sending the disgusting cocksure to hell where he belonged.
Transcript[]
(Comedy Death Intro is playing, Ted is out of the bathroom, calling his employee)
Ted: What? Okay, that's exactly what the jerk-off in a counting said and you- you agreed with him?
-Narrator: Meet Ted, a big shot blowhard who gets off by making everyone around him miserable.
-Ted: ...You are some pathetic S.O.B..
Ted: You forgot to make the wake-up call for me at the hotel!
Narrator: What Ted lacks in people skills, he makes up for in impatience.
(By the time Ted gets out of hotel, the line is made)
Ted: Oh, great! Now I gotta stay in the line for a damn taxi. You know, why can't straight for once, you-you think ahead and maybe get a car for me?
(Later, another taxicab shows up, Comedy Death Weird Demented is playing)
Narrator: Ted the Bully usually gets what he wants.
(Ted had it, he's now stealing the cab from a woman in front of him)
Narrator: Or else, he just takes it.
(Ted puts his luggage in the opened trunk)
-Bellhop: Sir!! Sir, hold on a minute!
-Ted: Hey! Yeah.
-Bellhop: It's her cab, sir!
-Ted: It's mine now! I'm late for the airport, I need this cab right now! What are you doing?
-Bellhop: Sir! Sir, come on!
(Casket Window Death is playing)
Marc Fogel: On a typical night, 12-hour shift, uh... the average would be about 30 passengers. Out of the 30 passengers at night, 6 to 8 people would be fighting over the cab, some of these were fistfights, and that's kind of an average at night.
(Baroque Death Groove is playing)
-Ted: She can find another cab in another minute!
-Bellhop: Have a little respect!
Ted: Get your hands off my cab!
(Ted closes the trunk, gets caught by the hook cable from the tow truck passed by)
Ted: (Groans)
(The cab driver opens the windshield to see what's going on, [] is playing)
Narrator: Looks like Ted's gotten himself into a tight squeeze.
(The cable squeezes and slices Ted in a half, everyone is disgusted and shocked, replay, The Deathies is playing)
Narrator: What Ted didn't see--because he was too busy being a tool--
Ted: I need this cab right now!
(That tow truck shows up)
Narrator: Was a utility truck, passing with a tow line swinging loose. The hook got caught in the cab's trunk.
(Once Ted closes the trunk, the hook got caught in the cab's trunk as Ted closed it, and the steel cable pins a surprised Ted to the cab)
-Ted: (Groans)
-Narrator: The steel cable snapped tight.
(The cable reaches the limit, the tow truck driver remarks this, the cable slices Ted in half)
Narrator: And sliced clean through his body.
(The taxi driver looks at the wing mirror, he really did see him sliced in half; CGI cable slices the human body in half, Demonic Introduction is playing)
Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan: Bisection injury refers to an injury in which the bottom half the body separated from the upper half. Now through the mid-section, there is really only one bone that you have to cut through, and that's the vertebral body at the lumbar spine. His bisection injury...
(The bellhop and the woman go back to the hotel from this accident)
Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan: would have caused massive hemorrhage from the veins and arteries of the gut. This would have caused almost instant death.
(Recap of Ted calling, ...And Now for Something Serious is playing)
-Ted: ...that's exactly...
-Narrator: Ted was a major douche who badgered and bullied everyone he interacted with.
Ted: Think ahead and maybe get a car for me.
-Bellhop: Sir!! Sir, hold on a minute!
-Narrator: Waiting your turn was for other losers, not him.
Ted: Get your hands off my cab!
Narrator: A nicer person might have offered to share that cab.
(Once Ted closes the trunk, the hook got caught in the cab's trunk as Ted closed it, and the steel cable pins a surprised Ted to the cab, Impression Failure is playing)
Ted: (Groans)
Narrator: Instead, Ted went... halvsies.
(The bellhop and the woman go back to the hotel from this accident)
Cast and Interviewees[]
- Jaimie Roedel - Ted (lead: intended victim)
- Mitch Yapko - Jimmy the Taxi Driver (uncredited)
- Marc Fogel - NYC Taxi Driver
- Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan - Physical Medicine & Rehab
Alternative Description[]
An ill-tempered businessman tries to steal someone else's cab when he gets hit by a truck carrying a spool of wire which gets caught between the taxi and truck aluminum siding and his body is sliced in two. (Spike TV website)
Trivia[]
- Also called "Taxi Scab" on the Spike TV website.
- Ted's death is similar to that of Bernie's death in Forked-Up, Cub's death in Happy Tree Friends web series episode, "Let It Slide", Nutty's death in Happy Tree Friends TV episode, "Take a Hike", Handy's death in Happy Tree Friends web series episode, "Blind Date", Lumpy's death in Happy Tree Friends TV series episode, "Every Litter Bit Hurts", and Cuddles' death in Happy Tree Friends web series episode, "I Get a Trick Out of You".
- Like a Titty Titty Bang Bang, this death screaming and looking down in massive hemorrhaging, and very scary deaths.
- This death takes place exactly 11 years before 1000 Ways To Die was cancelled.
Segment Nicknames[]
- Taxi Scab (Spike TV)
Foreign names[]
- Abierto En Medio (Open in half) - Latin American Spanish dub
- Demediado (Halved) - Spanish dub
- Halbehalbe Gemacht (Made Halfway) - German dub
Cutting in on a cab
Half